“Don’t Give Up”

Once again it has been a while since I have written.  Life gets so busy sometimes.  I find myself bogged down and overwhelmed with trying to handle final medical bills, dealing with insurance companies and learning to budget and pay the bills like Layne did.  He was so good at all of these things but none of it is easy for me.  It seems like as soon as I handle one thing, something else is pressing in upon me.  All of this makes me miss Layne even more.  He always took such good care of our family.  He was so good with handling our finances.  I never had to worry about anything.  He also took care of home maintenance, car maintenance, planning vacations and a multitude of other things that had to be done to run a household.

He was the strong, loving leader of our home and  I miss his leadership so much.  It is so exhausting and hard to have to make all the decisions alone.  Every night my heart longs to sit down and talk to him, to tell him about my day, to share my fears, to feel the comfort of his support.  It is so difficult to go on alone.  He carried so much of the load.  How thankful I am for all the years I rested in his protective care.  He truly honored me as the “weaker vessel” and shouldered so many of the burdens.  Now I struggle with the weight of it all.  I must run to the Lord and lay it all at His feet or I am overwhelmed with discouragement.

Two Sunday’s ago I was completely exhausted (sleeping is often difficult), burdened and overwhelmed with doubt, fear and grief.  Discouragement had gripped my heart and I prayed the whole morning for the Lord to give me strength and lift my heavy heart.  We were running late, so instead of going back to the bedroom I grabbed Layne’s Bible from the livingroom table as I dashed out the door.  When I walked through the doors of our church the normal wave of emotion swept over me.  Memories of Layne are everywhere.  Our dreams and plans were all centered on serving the Lord together at Harvest.  I never dreamed I would be there alone.

“Lord, I miss Layne”, my heart cries out.  I walk pass his study and my heart breaks because his desk is empty now.  I sit in our beautiful building and look at walls he helped build, the lights he helped to hang, the chairs he rejoiced over when the Lord provided them.  His fingerprint is everywhere.  We start to sing and I find myself listening for his voice.  Layne had a beautiful voice.  I want to hear him sing again.  I want to hear him preach again.  The grief I feel at church is often so heavy.  Two Sunday’s ago, it seemed to be more than I could bear.

We finished the final congregational and Pastor Sasser stood up to preach.  As I picked up Layne’s Bible to look up the text the pages fell open to I Corinthian 15:57 & 58 and a note Layne had written in the margin months earlier.   He was sitting beside me in his wheelchair, weak and sick from battling the brain tumor but so thankful to be at church.  I don’t remember who was preaching that day, but he reached over, touched my arm, pointed to the verse, nodded and then wrote in his Bible.

Sitting in church two weeks ago, this verse and his note reached down and lifted my heavy heart.  Through my tears I read again,

“But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.  Therefore, my beloved brethren,  be ye steadfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.”

Underneath he had written the words, “Don’t give up!”

“Don’t give up, Sharon!” the Lord whispered to my heart.  “I took care of Layne and encouraged him.  I am taking care of you too.  You are not alone.  I am here.  Layne isn’t gone, he’s here with Me.  Trust me, Sharon, and don’t give up!“

“

Being Molded by the Master

Jason turned 18 on February 25th.  I am amazed at how quickly time has flown!  It seems like just yesterday when he was a little boy.  His birthday was pleasant, but again bittersweet.  It was so difficult to celebrate this milestone without Layne.  Jason misses his dad so much right now.  He is a senior in high school this year.  As he prepares to go to college in the fall and prays about what the Lord’s will is for his life I know he so longs to talk to his dad!  He wants his dad’s advice and encouragement.  Again, moving forward without Layne is so incredibly difficult but Jason and Krista are learning what the Lord is teaching me.  He is near and He alone can fill the empty place in their hearts.  What a valuable lesson to learn at this point in their lives!

Jason is now legally considered to be a man.  Amazing how the law hinges that decision on something as insignificant as another birthday!  There are so many other qualities that prove this to be true!  Jason started becoming a man years ago when his “Papa” (Layne’s dad) was critically ill with cancer.  Near the end of his life it was so difficult to be in the room because his struggle was so great.  As difficult as it was, Jason would not leave his side.  We had gathered for Thanksgiving and Jason kept disappearing.  Every time we looked for him we would find him back in the room with Papa, holding his hand.  He told me, “Mom, when he opens his eyes I want him to know that I am here.”  As Layne and I saw his quiet strength we were both so proud of him and how he showed his love for his grandfather.

That growth continued throughout Layne’s illness.  Jason stepped up time and time again to shoulder more and more of the load at home.  As he watched his dad grow weaker, his determination to help grew stronger and stronger.  He set his own plans and even his senior year of high school aside to be there to help me care for his dad.  As Layne’s condition grew progressively worse he stayed right by my side to help me do all the difficult things required to care for him.  He never shrank from any task no matter how hard and heartrending.  Grown men would have struggled with what he faced so bravely to meet the needs of his dad.  His quiet strength and support during that time was such a comfort to me!

In just a few short months Jason will graduate from high school.  Then, much quicker than I would like, he will be leaving for college.  As I try to prepare my heart for his leaving home I face this change again with mixed feelings.  I look forward to seeing how the Lord will lead in his life.  I know the Lord has used this great trial to begin to mold and shape him into what He would desire him to be.  The Lord has given him a tender heart and a love and compassion for people.  He has given him quiet strength and determination to stand strong when trials come.  He has learned discernment from all the years he watched Layne and sat under his ministry.  He is still fun loving and boyish.  He still teases and gets unbelievably silly at times.  But the young man that is emerging under the skillful hands of the Master sculptor is such a joy to see!  He is so much like his dad!

When fall arrives and he leaves for college my heart will break with missing him, but I would never hold him back.  Our little boy is gone and a young man stands in his place.  We gave him to the Lord long ago.  As Layne and I watched him grow we rejoiced together over every milestone; his first steps, his first words, his first haircut, his first day of school, junior high school, teenager, driving a car…  As Jason reaches this milestone I cannot help but believe that we are rejoicing together again.  Layne saw what a fine young man Jason was becoming.  I think Layne knows how Jason is doing  now.  I know the Lord is vitally interested in what is happening in Jason’s life and I cannot help but believe He is sharing it with Layne.  If he could talk to Jason right now I think I know what he would say, “Live for the Lord, son.  Give him your heart and your life.  You may not understand it now, but His way is perfect.  Trust Him with your life.  The greatest thing you can do is serve  Him.  Someday, son, you will be here too.  Someday you will be in His presence and it will be worth it all!”

I will cry when he leaves but I look forward to watching the Lord unveil the plan He has for Jason’s life.  Please pray that he will seek the Lord with all his heart.  Please pray that God’s will will be accomplished in his life.  Please pray that he will continue to submit to God’s plan and allow himself to be molded into what the Master wants him to be.

Miraculous, Sustaining Grace

The last week or so has been very difficult for me.  The longer I go on without Layne the more I miss him.  People commonly make the mistake of believing that grief is the hardest initially.  This is far from the truth.  As the days, weeks and months pass and the depth of my loss slowly reveals itself, I miss him more and more.  Every task I must do alone that used to be done by his side compounds my grief.  The author of one book I read said that grief is not a wound that heals with time.  Grief is an amputation.  You learn to live with the loss, but you are never the same.  I think that is an accurate analogy.  I am so thankful that I have the Lord to bear me up and help me stand.

It is only in His strength that I can go on.  I told my brothers that the thing that is hard for people to understand is the relentlessness of the struggle.  By God’s grace I go to teach every day and Jason and Krista go to school.  We are able to smile and get through the day, but people don’t see the struggle.  Those smiles are often only possible after hours of struggle with agonizing grief.  This grief often robs us of sleep and the only answer is hours of weeping and praying for God to comfort our hearts.  I am so thankful for my loving Savior, Who carries me through this valley and gives me strength for each day.

I want to share another excert from the book A Tearful Celebration. This is from the chapter “Why Must I Hurt?”

“No matter what I think at the time, the trials I face are due directly to His love for me.  I appreciate what Charles Spurgeon said: ‘Into the central heat of the fire doth the Lord cast His saints, and mark you this, He casts them there because they are His own beloved and dearly loved people.’  If I cannot accept this profound truth, I can never stand unvanquished in grief or sing like Paul and Silas in the Philippian prison.  If I cannot submit to the superior wisdom of God’s ordination, then I can never grasp the purposes of pain, even the privileges of it.  God is concerned with making me strong; He’s not concerned with making me comfortable…

One of the distinguishing marks of my humanity is that I want God’s power more than His purpose.  I covet demonstrations of His power in my life, especially in the time of crisis.  I beg God for miraculous deliverance.  I cry for Him to spare me agony and grief.  When His wisdom reveals a purpose that threatens or destroys my comfort, then I struggle in anguish against His design.  In my prosperity it is easy to revel in the will of God, but in my adversity I chafe under His divine plan…

I must desire His purpose to be effected in my experience, regardless of the grief.  There is no victory in crisis until I learn to pray: ‘Yet not my will, but your be done.’

So I hurt.  God wants to work His purposes in my life.  If I need to be humbled, I may fall.  If He wants me to be more caring, I may hurt.  If I am in danger of pride, I may be given a thorn in the flesh.  If He marks me for true godliness, I may lift to my mouth a full, cup, bitter to the taste, but healthful to the soul.  Each crisis presents me with the opportunity for a stretching, growing, God-honoring act of resolute trust.

I have observed that God sometimes deems it necessary to remove from me the external signs of His blessing in order that the pressure of darkness might prompt me to a new level of trust in Him.  In God’s reckoning, to descend is the path to ascent, to suffer is to find freedom from suffering, to taste darkness is to approach eternal light, to become weak is to become strong.  Each agonizing moment is essential or God would not allow it.  To be counted worthy of suffering is to enter into an entirely new realm of spiritual experience.  My suffering is seen as instrumental, not accidental, to the purposes of a loving God…

The grave that buries my desires deepens my devotion.”

As I continue on through this valley of grief, I am driven by necessity to my knees every day.  The way is too dark to take one step without the light of His presence.  The weight is impossible to bear alone.  So He daily meets me beneath its heavy load and carries me.  This is His purpose in my pain.  I hurt so I can learn to depend on Him, and Him alone.

While Layne was sick I prayed every day for a miracle.  I wanted God to make him well; to amaze the doctors and the world around us with His miraculous healing power.  I did not get that miracle.  But every day that He carries me through I understand more and more that I am seeing a miracle after all, the miracle of His sustaining, amazing grace.

Special Prayer Needed

Dear Friends,

Please be much in prayer for Kent and Bridgett Eloe.  Kent has the same kind of brain tumor Layne had.  He was recently placed in hospice care and Bridgett’s last web entry confirms that Kent is very close to going Home to be with our Lord.  They have 3 precious little boys.  Please pray faithfully for this sweet family as they face the days ahead.  The Lord greatly used you all to comfort and encourage my heart.  He answered your prayers and continues to answer them with miraculous, sustaining grace.  Bridgett and her family need this same grace right now.  Please faithfully pray for them the same way you have faithfully prayed for me.  To learn more about this family so you can better pray, please visit their web site at www.eloefamily.com.   Thank you all!

(By the way, isn’t it amazing to belong to the family of God?  I am still humbled and awed that the Lord can knit our hearts so closely together, even if we have never met face to face.  There are no strangers in God’s family.  We all belong to Him!  What a blessing it will be to someday all be in heaven together! What a family reunion that will be!)

“Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.”  II Cor. 1:4-5

Sharon

Grace that Never Fails

It has been a while since I have written because, quite frankly, the struggle has been intense lately.  It is very difficult sometimes to put such a personal journey through grief into words.  In the next few entries I would like to share some exerts from the book A Tearful Celebration by James Means.  (James Means is a pastor who lost his wife to cancer.)  This book was sent to me by a pastor friend of my brother Mike and has been a source of great encouragement to me.  I highly recommend this book to anyone who is struggling with grief and loss.

Tonight I want to share a portion from the chapter titled “Has God Failed Me?”

“Has there ever been a true saint who has not struggled with the feeling that God was not treating him fairly? Surely such inner wrestling is one of life’s most inescapable trials.

Nowhere in the Bible could I find an absolute guarantee of pleasant circumstances.  Christian, like others, are subject to sickness, accident, and incalculable loss.  If I think God will always keep me comfortable, I am going to feel let down.  God will not always do it.  Christians are not exempt from trouble and bitter distress.

The true Christian teaching is: “Our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us” (Romans 8:18). Peter wrote: “Do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though some strange thing were happening to you” (I Peter 4:12). I must refuse to be deluded into thinking that life here and now is the wonderful life.  The wonderful life is the one to come after this one is over…

I hurt, I sorrow, I agonize over the loss that has come into my life.  A precious life has been taken away.  I feel great grief and pain.  It sears my every waking hour and casts a puzzling, dreary shadow across my life’s journey.

As I come to grips with my grief, I reject the sentimentalized, sickly religion so popular today.  God’s comfort is not insulation from difficulty; it is spiritual fortification sufficient to enable me to stand firm, undefeated in the fiery trials of life.  God’s provision is not always green pastures and still waters.  Sometimes God leads into the valley of the shadow, but I may walk there with confidence, assured of the love and presence of God…

In my time of trouble, my understanding is not crucial.  It is my confidence in the person, the goodness, and the sovereignty of God that is the great, indispensable necessity.

God did not coddle the biblical saints with an unbroken stream of blessing.  Their lives, like ours today, were lived in the shadows and valleys of life’s tough journey of faith… They trusted God despite harsh circumstances.  They were steadfast in the face of crushing reality.  They hoped in God when all reason for hope was taken away.  Such tireless faith is to be our chief goal in life, for by it we glorify God, purchase a place of honor in His kingdom, and love as Christ loved.  We must cultivate this faith…

God has failed to do what I thought He should do, but I must not allow this event to result in any bitterness in me.  Instead, I must recognize that this major disappointment should drive me to stronger trust in God.  Life looks very different without the false security of an indulgent, over-protective God, but it is more real, honest, and challenging to my faith.  It offers greater opportunity to bear witness to a God of wisdom and superior grace.”

(pp. 23-27)

What a blessing to know that and experience the all sufficient grace of God!  I am blessed to have copies of many of Layne’s outlines and sermons.  I am reading and studying them as part of my devotional time.  I will close with a quote from him from a message he preached about grace

“Many things in life will fail us.  Friendships will blossom and then die.  Health can be an elusive thing.  Riches and wealth will often remain just beyond the reach of your finger tips.  Those we love will pass from the scene leaving a void in our hearts hard to be filled.  However, there is one thing that every child of God possesses that can never fail, never end, never run out, never run dry and that will never be found to be insufficient, and that is the grace of God!  Yes, the road may be long and dreary, the days may be filled with difficulties and struggles, but rest assured that there will be grace sufficient for every need and every trial.  That is the promise of God and that is the hope of the saints!” Layne Daniel

Snow

Layne loved snow.  When I got up early this morning to let our dogs out and saw the snow already on the ground I immediately thought of him and how excited he would be if he were here.  He would have been up all through the night watching and waiting for it to start.  He would have woken me up early this morning to tell me, “Sharon, there is no way you are going to go to school today!”  He would have pulled Jason and Krista out of bed to share the news with them that they had a “snow day”.

Every person who knew him well thought of him this morning.  He would have been on the phone at 7:00 a.m. talking to friends and family about how beautiful it was, how much they were getting at their house and predicting how long the snow would last.  He loved snow.

Last year in January we were in Philadelphia.  Layne had just begun treatments with Dr. Brady so we were staying in a really nice hotel just a few miles from Dr. Brady’s downtown office.  It began to snow that day; big, beautiful flakes that softly swirled around before landing silent on the ground.  It is amazing the quietening quality of snow!  Even a big, busy city like Philadelphia seems strangely magical and quiet in the falling snow.  There was a Chili’s restaurant about a block from our hotel.  After we settled into our room and watched the snow from the window for a while, we decided to walk the block to Chili’s.  We bundled up in our coats, hats, boots and gloves and walked hand and hand through the snow.  It was magic.  Layne was still fairly strong then.  He laughed and steadied me when I slipped on the icy side walk.  He teased me that the hat I was wearing was going to ruin my hair.  We stopped for a minute to catch the huge flakes on my black gloves and marvel at how perfect they were before they melted in my hands.   By the time we reached the corner where the restaurant was we were laughing and out of breath.  We shared a meal, a piece of cheesecake and then sat for an hour drinking coffee, talking and watching the snow fall.  Before we left to walk the block back to the hotel, Layne made sure the waitress gave me some coffee in a to-go cup to keep me warm.  Then we walked hand and hand, unhurried back to the hotel, laughing and talking the whole way.  That is my magical, bitter-sweet memory.

Today as I watch the snow fall I remember and miss his boyish excitement.  I treasure the memory of that magic walk in the snow.  I long for the security of his steadying hand in mine.  I wish I could go back to that moment when he stopped me on the sidewalk and laughed at my snow covered hat and hair.  As I sit and watch the snow fall outside the window I remember and miss him.  I wonder if snow will always be bitter-sweet for me.  I know he would want me to be excited, to enjoy it, to take another walk, make another memory.  But for today I think I’ll just sit, watch as others play and remind myself how blessed I was to have him for 20 years, to be loved like that, to have shared so many incredible moments.  It isn’t, after all, the snow that was magic.  It was Layne who brought the magic to the snow.

The Miracle of His Presence

Again, I am sorry it has been so long since I posted anything!  We started back to school on Monday and January is an very busy time in a K5 classroom.  It has also been difficult to write lately.  To be quite honest, sometimes my battle with grief is so intense and personal it is hard to share it with anyone.  I do, however,  want to continue to share how the Lord is working in my life.

Going back to teaching this week was difficult from a physical standpoint (I am getting older and the hectic schedule is hard to get readjusted to!) but a blessing from a emotional standpoint.  Ministering to others definitely helps to lessen the load of grief!  If you are grieving too I highly recommend reaching out to others in need.  The Lord will use this to help to heal your heart.

About a week ago I was in the attic putting away a Christmas decoration I had neglected to pack with my other ornaments and I saw a box I have kept for years.  Inside were cards and letters Layne and I wrote to one other throughout our long distance dating, engagement and through the first 5 years or so of our marriage.  As I sat down and tearfully reread many of the cards, notes and letters he wrote to me I was reminded again of how blessed I was to have a husband who loved me so much.  This reminder, however,  intensified my sense of loss.

Layne and I were so close.  We were one unit, one team.  He was so much a part of me that his loss leaves me as half of who I was.  We had the right kind of marriage.  Our interdependency on one other was what God intends for marriage to be.  We moved forward, always together.  Our love for each other was so deep and so real.  It grew even more over the last 18 months we were together.  His illness did not separate us, it further fused us together.  We were never apart and I am so thankful now for every minute we had together.

But his loss is so much greater because he was so much a part of me.  The void in my life is vast and overwhelming.  The grief comes in a flood, wave after wave, when some unexpected event causes me to realize again the magnitude of my loss.  This grief is so crushing and relentless that I have no choice but to fall heavy under its weight.  But that is where the miracle begins.

This intense, overwhelming sorrow drives me to the feet of my Savior.  My loss is so real, so deep, so personal that no one can meet me under its heavy load.  For the first time in my life I know what it is to seek God with all my heart.  In the midst of this heavy weight of sorrow He presses me closer and closer to His heart.  I am not the same.  I will never be the same again.  I do not want to be.  Necessity is causing me to draw so close to Him that I am growing to know Him better than I ever have before.  The weight of my grief is pressing me closer and closer to Him and He is changing me.

I never understood before how much I need Him.  I cannot take one step alone.  I am too weak, too battered, too bruised.  He is walking with me.  He is holding me so close.  His strength is sustaining me.  His presence is so real.  He is very near and I have no desire to pull away; to walk on my own again.

In my great sorrow I have experienced the sweetness of His fellowship and understand on a new level the depth of His love for me.  I will never be content again with a “casual relationship with God”.  Surface Christianity cannot meet the deep needs of my aching heart.

In my deep grief I have found my Savior to be all I need.  I long to be draw even closer to Him; to see things through His eyes; to praise Him for his amazing love for me.  I have a new longing to say to the world around me, “He is real!  He is what you need!  He alone can meet the needs of your heart!”  I want to walk forever by His side; to follow Him every step until all my faith becomes sight in heaven.  I have found in Him all I need and I will never be the same.

“Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you.  And ye shall seek me, and find me,  when ye shall search for me with all your heart.                                     Jeremiah 29:12-13

Thanks for Your Prayers

I know many of you were praying for us over the Christmas holiday.  Thank you so much.  We had a quiet Christmas.  There were some difficult days but the Lord always gives grace!  It’s late, but I plan to write more tomorrow.  The Lord has been teaching us so much!

A Gift from Jason

A week ago Monday Jason was leaving the house to go to our high school Christmas concert.  Just before he walked out the door he handed me a piece of paper and told me to read it when he left.  I told him later that he could not have given me a better Christmas gift.  I wanted to share this with all of you.

Watching

Over the years I watched him talk to God.

Consulting Him every step he did take,

Asking for guidance down the path he trod.

He prayed about each decision he’d make.

I watched when his reputation was bruised

When it seemed there was nowhere to turn,

As by his friends he was wrongly accused.

How to live down a lie is what I learned.

I watched as he showed me how to forgive.

I saw him in trials turn to God’s Word.

When facing death, he taught me how to live,

As in that sickness he looked to the Lord.

He was the example for me God had,

And that’s what I learned as I watched my dad.

Jason Daniel

“…but be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity.”                                                      I Timothy 4:12b

One of the greatest gifts we can give to our children is the gift of a godly example.

The Gift of Joy

I woke up sick during the night so I was not able to go to church today.  I missed the fellowship and the message from God’s Word but staying home gave me the opportunity to get some much needed rest and to spend some time remembering and grieving for Layne.  Tonight I got out three snowflake picture frame ornaments and put pictures of Layne with me, Jason and Krista in them and hung them on the tree.  It was an amazingly hard but comforting thing to do.  We miss him so intensely.  I have been thinking a lot today about last Christmas and how different things were just a year ago.  Layne was in the middle of his battle with the brain tumor but our house was full of hope and thanksgiving simply because he was still with us, our family was still whole and we were able to celebrate together.

Things are so different this year.  Trust me, the celebrations, the decorations, the shopping, the presents don’t do anything to fill the hole left in your heart when you lose someone you love.  It is hard to find the joy of the season.  But in my moments of intense loneliness and grief I have learned to pour my heart out to the Lord and allow Him to comfort me and help to fill the void in my life.  He is always there for me.  He shows me how to still have joy; not the light hearted, dizzily happy joy of Christmases past but a new kind of joy.  This joy is deep and grounded because it is resting on the promises found in His Word.  This joy is triumphant because it still exists in spite of the intense pain of grief.  This is the joy found, not in the frenzy of the season, but in the One Who came to earth to die on the cross for our sins.  This joy gives hope because the same Savior Who daily lifts me up and comforts me has promised that this life is but a moment and after this there is all eternity.  Layne is not gone, he is in heaven waiting for me.  We still have forever!  What joy that will be, when our family is together again in heaven with our Lord.

Remember this Christmas morning, amid all the excitement and celebration, that the best Christmas gifts God has given you this year are not the ones wrapped up under the tree but the precious family sitting around it.  Most of all remember that the greatest Gift ever given was the Gift that changed the whole world, the Gift of God’s Son; the Savior Who gave His life so that our sins could be forgiven and we can have a home in heaven with Him.  This is the real joy of the season!

“For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”            John 3:16