Again, I am sorry it has been so long since I posted anything! We started back to school on Monday and January is an very busy time in a K5 classroom. It has also been difficult to write lately. To be quite honest, sometimes my battle with grief is so intense and personal it is hard to share it with anyone. I do, however, want to continue to share how the Lord is working in my life.
Going back to teaching this week was difficult from a physical standpoint (I am getting older and the hectic schedule is hard to get readjusted to!) but a blessing from a emotional standpoint. Ministering to others definitely helps to lessen the load of grief! If you are grieving too I highly recommend reaching out to others in need. The Lord will use this to help to heal your heart.
About a week ago I was in the attic putting away a Christmas decoration I had neglected to pack with my other ornaments and I saw a box I have kept for years. Inside were cards and letters Layne and I wrote to one other throughout our long distance dating, engagement and through the first 5 years or so of our marriage. As I sat down and tearfully reread many of the cards, notes and letters he wrote to me I was reminded again of how blessed I was to have a husband who loved me so much. This reminder, however, intensified my sense of loss.
Layne and I were so close. We were one unit, one team. He was so much a part of me that his loss leaves me as half of who I was. We had the right kind of marriage. Our interdependency on one other was what God intends for marriage to be. We moved forward, always together. Our love for each other was so deep and so real. It grew even more over the last 18 months we were together. His illness did not separate us, it further fused us together. We were never apart and I am so thankful now for every minute we had together.
But his loss is so much greater because he was so much a part of me. The void in my life is vast and overwhelming. The grief comes in a flood, wave after wave, when some unexpected event causes me to realize again the magnitude of my loss. This grief is so crushing and relentless that I have no choice but to fall heavy under its weight. But that is where the miracle begins.
This intense, overwhelming sorrow drives me to the feet of my Savior. My loss is so real, so deep, so personal that no one can meet me under its heavy load. For the first time in my life I know what it is to seek God with all my heart. In the midst of this heavy weight of sorrow He presses me closer and closer to His heart. I am not the same. I will never be the same again. I do not want to be. Necessity is causing me to draw so close to Him that I am growing to know Him better than I ever have before. The weight of my grief is pressing me closer and closer to Him and He is changing me.
I never understood before how much I need Him. I cannot take one step alone. I am too weak, too battered, too bruised. He is walking with me. He is holding me so close. His strength is sustaining me. His presence is so real. He is very near and I have no desire to pull away; to walk on my own again.
In my great sorrow I have experienced the sweetness of His fellowship and understand on a new level the depth of His love for me. I will never be content again with a “casual relationship with God”. Surface Christianity cannot meet the deep needs of my aching heart.
In my deep grief I have found my Savior to be all I need. I long to be draw even closer to Him; to see things through His eyes; to praise Him for his amazing love for me. I have a new longing to say to the world around me, “He is real! He is what you need! He alone can meet the needs of your heart!” I want to walk forever by His side; to follow Him every step until all my faith becomes sight in heaven. I have found in Him all I need and I will never be the same.
“Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you. And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:12-13
January 15, 2009 at 10:14 pm |
Sharon,
While we all know you have suffered so intensely through all of this, you have also ministered intensely – both to Layne and to others who have stood by and watched. your example has been so inspiring.
I have the bulletin from Layne’s memorial service framed and over my desk – I see it every day. I put a picture Hannah took at the cemetery on my laptop. I find myself often thinking, “This cannot be real – I can just pick up the phone and call him.” And, then, reality sets in.
I pray for you often, and know that God will continue to care for you, love you, and assist you. Keep the faith!!!
January 19, 2009 at 3:17 pm |
Mrs. Daniel,
You do not know me. I know you because our church has prayed for you and your family. The Attoes’ son-in-law is in our church. Also both Pastor Fred’s and Pastor Tim’s churches supported me over 20 years ago when I was a missionary in the Micronesian islands…
I just want to tell you what a blessing your comments are, especially this last one. I have never married so I cannot imagine your loss. But I have experienced other losses of family members and friends, and I have experienced cancer myself. During the time of my surgery and recuperation, I experienced the kind of closeness to the Lord that you have described. I have heard others, including Jean Herchenhahn, say also, that though you would never wish for the suffering, the preciousness and closeness of your walk with the Lord makes it worth it. Please don’t think I am discounting any of your hurt. But I do believe that sometimes the Lord has to take away everything we have and love before we really learn to rely on Him completely–and then we know the sweetness of His embrace. May His comfort and grace continue to sustain and yes, overwhelm you.
A sister in Christ,
Margaret