Snow

Layne loved snow.  When I got up early this morning to let our dogs out and saw the snow already on the ground I immediately thought of him and how excited he would be if he were here.  He would have been up all through the night watching and waiting for it to start.  He would have woken me up early this morning to tell me, “Sharon, there is no way you are going to go to school today!”  He would have pulled Jason and Krista out of bed to share the news with them that they had a “snow day”.

Every person who knew him well thought of him this morning.  He would have been on the phone at 7:00 a.m. talking to friends and family about how beautiful it was, how much they were getting at their house and predicting how long the snow would last.  He loved snow.

Last year in January we were in Philadelphia.  Layne had just begun treatments with Dr. Brady so we were staying in a really nice hotel just a few miles from Dr. Brady’s downtown office.  It began to snow that day; big, beautiful flakes that softly swirled around before landing silent on the ground.  It is amazing the quietening quality of snow!  Even a big, busy city like Philadelphia seems strangely magical and quiet in the falling snow.  There was a Chili’s restaurant about a block from our hotel.  After we settled into our room and watched the snow from the window for a while, we decided to walk the block to Chili’s.  We bundled up in our coats, hats, boots and gloves and walked hand and hand through the snow.  It was magic.  Layne was still fairly strong then.  He laughed and steadied me when I slipped on the icy side walk.  He teased me that the hat I was wearing was going to ruin my hair.  We stopped for a minute to catch the huge flakes on my black gloves and marvel at how perfect they were before they melted in my hands.   By the time we reached the corner where the restaurant was we were laughing and out of breath.  We shared a meal, a piece of cheesecake and then sat for an hour drinking coffee, talking and watching the snow fall.  Before we left to walk the block back to the hotel, Layne made sure the waitress gave me some coffee in a to-go cup to keep me warm.  Then we walked hand and hand, unhurried back to the hotel, laughing and talking the whole way.  That is my magical, bitter-sweet memory.

Today as I watch the snow fall I remember and miss his boyish excitement.  I treasure the memory of that magic walk in the snow.  I long for the security of his steadying hand in mine.  I wish I could go back to that moment when he stopped me on the sidewalk and laughed at my snow covered hat and hair.  As I sit and watch the snow fall outside the window I remember and miss him.  I wonder if snow will always be bitter-sweet for me.  I know he would want me to be excited, to enjoy it, to take another walk, make another memory.  But for today I think I’ll just sit, watch as others play and remind myself how blessed I was to have him for 20 years, to be loved like that, to have shared so many incredible moments.  It isn’t, after all, the snow that was magic.  It was Layne who brought the magic to the snow.