“Don’t Give Up”

Once again it has been a while since I have written.  Life gets so busy sometimes.  I find myself bogged down and overwhelmed with trying to handle final medical bills, dealing with insurance companies and learning to budget and pay the bills like Layne did.  He was so good at all of these things but none of it is easy for me.  It seems like as soon as I handle one thing, something else is pressing in upon me.  All of this makes me miss Layne even more.  He always took such good care of our family.  He was so good with handling our finances.  I never had to worry about anything.  He also took care of home maintenance, car maintenance, planning vacations and a multitude of other things that had to be done to run a household.

He was the strong, loving leader of our home and  I miss his leadership so much.  It is so exhausting and hard to have to make all the decisions alone.  Every night my heart longs to sit down and talk to him, to tell him about my day, to share my fears, to feel the comfort of his support.  It is so difficult to go on alone.  He carried so much of the load.  How thankful I am for all the years I rested in his protective care.  He truly honored me as the “weaker vessel” and shouldered so many of the burdens.  Now I struggle with the weight of it all.  I must run to the Lord and lay it all at His feet or I am overwhelmed with discouragement.

Two Sunday’s ago I was completely exhausted (sleeping is often difficult), burdened and overwhelmed with doubt, fear and grief.  Discouragement had gripped my heart and I prayed the whole morning for the Lord to give me strength and lift my heavy heart.  We were running late, so instead of going back to the bedroom I grabbed Layne’s Bible from the livingroom table as I dashed out the door.  When I walked through the doors of our church the normal wave of emotion swept over me.  Memories of Layne are everywhere.  Our dreams and plans were all centered on serving the Lord together at Harvest.  I never dreamed I would be there alone.

“Lord, I miss Layne”, my heart cries out.  I walk pass his study and my heart breaks because his desk is empty now.  I sit in our beautiful building and look at walls he helped build, the lights he helped to hang, the chairs he rejoiced over when the Lord provided them.  His fingerprint is everywhere.  We start to sing and I find myself listening for his voice.  Layne had a beautiful voice.  I want to hear him sing again.  I want to hear him preach again.  The grief I feel at church is often so heavy.  Two Sunday’s ago, it seemed to be more than I could bear.

We finished the final congregational and Pastor Sasser stood up to preach.  As I picked up Layne’s Bible to look up the text the pages fell open to I Corinthian 15:57 & 58 and a note Layne had written in the margin months earlier.   He was sitting beside me in his wheelchair, weak and sick from battling the brain tumor but so thankful to be at church.  I don’t remember who was preaching that day, but he reached over, touched my arm, pointed to the verse, nodded and then wrote in his Bible.

Sitting in church two weeks ago, this verse and his note reached down and lifted my heavy heart.  Through my tears I read again,

“But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.  Therefore, my beloved brethren,  be ye steadfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.”

Underneath he had written the words, “Don’t give up!”

“Don’t give up, Sharon!” the Lord whispered to my heart.  “I took care of Layne and encouraged him.  I am taking care of you too.  You are not alone.  I am here.  Layne isn’t gone, he’s here with Me.  Trust me, Sharon, and don’t give up!“

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Being Molded by the Master

Jason turned 18 on February 25th.  I am amazed at how quickly time has flown!  It seems like just yesterday when he was a little boy.  His birthday was pleasant, but again bittersweet.  It was so difficult to celebrate this milestone without Layne.  Jason misses his dad so much right now.  He is a senior in high school this year.  As he prepares to go to college in the fall and prays about what the Lord’s will is for his life I know he so longs to talk to his dad!  He wants his dad’s advice and encouragement.  Again, moving forward without Layne is so incredibly difficult but Jason and Krista are learning what the Lord is teaching me.  He is near and He alone can fill the empty place in their hearts.  What a valuable lesson to learn at this point in their lives!

Jason is now legally considered to be a man.  Amazing how the law hinges that decision on something as insignificant as another birthday!  There are so many other qualities that prove this to be true!  Jason started becoming a man years ago when his “Papa” (Layne’s dad) was critically ill with cancer.  Near the end of his life it was so difficult to be in the room because his struggle was so great.  As difficult as it was, Jason would not leave his side.  We had gathered for Thanksgiving and Jason kept disappearing.  Every time we looked for him we would find him back in the room with Papa, holding his hand.  He told me, “Mom, when he opens his eyes I want him to know that I am here.”  As Layne and I saw his quiet strength we were both so proud of him and how he showed his love for his grandfather.

That growth continued throughout Layne’s illness.  Jason stepped up time and time again to shoulder more and more of the load at home.  As he watched his dad grow weaker, his determination to help grew stronger and stronger.  He set his own plans and even his senior year of high school aside to be there to help me care for his dad.  As Layne’s condition grew progressively worse he stayed right by my side to help me do all the difficult things required to care for him.  He never shrank from any task no matter how hard and heartrending.  Grown men would have struggled with what he faced so bravely to meet the needs of his dad.  His quiet strength and support during that time was such a comfort to me!

In just a few short months Jason will graduate from high school.  Then, much quicker than I would like, he will be leaving for college.  As I try to prepare my heart for his leaving home I face this change again with mixed feelings.  I look forward to seeing how the Lord will lead in his life.  I know the Lord has used this great trial to begin to mold and shape him into what He would desire him to be.  The Lord has given him a tender heart and a love and compassion for people.  He has given him quiet strength and determination to stand strong when trials come.  He has learned discernment from all the years he watched Layne and sat under his ministry.  He is still fun loving and boyish.  He still teases and gets unbelievably silly at times.  But the young man that is emerging under the skillful hands of the Master sculptor is such a joy to see!  He is so much like his dad!

When fall arrives and he leaves for college my heart will break with missing him, but I would never hold him back.  Our little boy is gone and a young man stands in his place.  We gave him to the Lord long ago.  As Layne and I watched him grow we rejoiced together over every milestone; his first steps, his first words, his first haircut, his first day of school, junior high school, teenager, driving a car…  As Jason reaches this milestone I cannot help but believe that we are rejoicing together again.  Layne saw what a fine young man Jason was becoming.  I think Layne knows how Jason is doing  now.  I know the Lord is vitally interested in what is happening in Jason’s life and I cannot help but believe He is sharing it with Layne.  If he could talk to Jason right now I think I know what he would say, “Live for the Lord, son.  Give him your heart and your life.  You may not understand it now, but His way is perfect.  Trust Him with your life.  The greatest thing you can do is serve  Him.  Someday, son, you will be here too.  Someday you will be in His presence and it will be worth it all!”

I will cry when he leaves but I look forward to watching the Lord unveil the plan He has for Jason’s life.  Please pray that he will seek the Lord with all his heart.  Please pray that God’s will will be accomplished in his life.  Please pray that he will continue to submit to God’s plan and allow himself to be molded into what the Master wants him to be.