Once again it has been a while since I have written. Life gets so busy sometimes. I find myself bogged down and overwhelmed with trying to handle final medical bills, dealing with insurance companies and learning to budget and pay the bills like Layne did. He was so good at all of these things but none of it is easy for me. It seems like as soon as I handle one thing, something else is pressing in upon me. All of this makes me miss Layne even more. He always took such good care of our family. He was so good with handling our finances. I never had to worry about anything. He also took care of home maintenance, car maintenance, planning vacations and a multitude of other things that had to be done to run a household.
He was the strong, loving leader of our home and I miss his leadership so much. It is so exhausting and hard to have to make all the decisions alone. Every night my heart longs to sit down and talk to him, to tell him about my day, to share my fears, to feel the comfort of his support. It is so difficult to go on alone. He carried so much of the load. How thankful I am for all the years I rested in his protective care. He truly honored me as the “weaker vessel” and shouldered so many of the burdens. Now I struggle with the weight of it all. I must run to the Lord and lay it all at His feet or I am overwhelmed with discouragement.
Two Sunday’s ago I was completely exhausted (sleeping is often difficult), burdened and overwhelmed with doubt, fear and grief. Discouragement had gripped my heart and I prayed the whole morning for the Lord to give me strength and lift my heavy heart. We were running late, so instead of going back to the bedroom I grabbed Layne’s Bible from the livingroom table as I dashed out the door. When I walked through the doors of our church the normal wave of emotion swept over me. Memories of Layne are everywhere. Our dreams and plans were all centered on serving the Lord together at Harvest. I never dreamed I would be there alone.
“Lord, I miss Layne”, my heart cries out. I walk pass his study and my heart breaks because his desk is empty now. I sit in our beautiful building and look at walls he helped build, the lights he helped to hang, the chairs he rejoiced over when the Lord provided them. His fingerprint is everywhere. We start to sing and I find myself listening for his voice. Layne had a beautiful voice. I want to hear him sing again. I want to hear him preach again. The grief I feel at church is often so heavy. Two Sunday’s ago, it seemed to be more than I could bear.
We finished the final congregational and Pastor Sasser stood up to preach. As I picked up Layne’s Bible to look up the text the pages fell open to I Corinthian 15:57 & 58 and a note Layne had written in the margin months earlier. He was sitting beside me in his wheelchair, weak and sick from battling the brain tumor but so thankful to be at church. I don’t remember who was preaching that day, but he reached over, touched my arm, pointed to the verse, nodded and then wrote in his Bible.
Sitting in church two weeks ago, this verse and his note reached down and lifted my heavy heart. Through my tears I read again,
“But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye steadfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.”
Underneath he had written the words, “Don’t give up!”
“Don’t give up, Sharon!” the Lord whispered to my heart. “I took care of Layne and encouraged him. I am taking care of you too. You are not alone. I am here. Layne isn’t gone, he’s here with Me. Trust me, Sharon, and don’t give up!“
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March 31, 2009 at 12:30 pm |
What wonderful encouragement! Although my circumstances are far different than yours, I, too, often feel overwhelmed and discouraged and want to give up. What a blessing is this reminder that when we have no strength of our own, He gives us the strength we need to keep fighting.
I, too, urge you to keep going. You are a blessing to me, and, I am sure, to countless others.
April 28, 2009 at 11:16 am |
Hi. I found your blog somehow and it was a blessing – my mom died of cancer 23 Dec. 2005 and my sister many years ago. God bless you as you continue to serve God. I’ll let a friend know of your blog; her husband died of brain cancer almost exactly 5 years ago; she has 4 young boys. I’m sure it would encourage her.
Jill
July 13, 2009 at 4:31 pm |
Dear Sharon,
I came across your website while trying to find the scripture location for “I will give you an expected end” I have just cried and felt your grief so deeply. I just went through a crisis with my best friends only child and a brain tumor………his prognosis is good and we feel it is a miracle that all went so well…….your loss has touched me so deeply…..my niece who is 30 was recently widowed with two little boys to raise…..cancer….she feels just what you are feeling….no one can know unless they have experienced it….I will carry you in my morning prayers ……..there is no distance with God and we are in His family………God Bless You and give you joy in this time of great sorrow……miraculous joy will come…….Belinda Pettit Atlanta TX