A Gift from Jason

A week ago Monday Jason was leaving the house to go to our high school Christmas concert.  Just before he walked out the door he handed me a piece of paper and told me to read it when he left.  I told him later that he could not have given me a better Christmas gift.  I wanted to share this with all of you.

Watching

Over the years I watched him talk to God.

Consulting Him every step he did take,

Asking for guidance down the path he trod.

He prayed about each decision he’d make.

I watched when his reputation was bruised

When it seemed there was nowhere to turn,

As by his friends he was wrongly accused.

How to live down a lie is what I learned.

I watched as he showed me how to forgive.

I saw him in trials turn to God’s Word.

When facing death, he taught me how to live,

As in that sickness he looked to the Lord.

He was the example for me God had,

And that’s what I learned as I watched my dad.

Jason Daniel

“…but be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity.”                                                      I Timothy 4:12b

One of the greatest gifts we can give to our children is the gift of a godly example.

The Gift of Joy

I woke up sick during the night so I was not able to go to church today.  I missed the fellowship and the message from God’s Word but staying home gave me the opportunity to get some much needed rest and to spend some time remembering and grieving for Layne.  Tonight I got out three snowflake picture frame ornaments and put pictures of Layne with me, Jason and Krista in them and hung them on the tree.  It was an amazingly hard but comforting thing to do.  We miss him so intensely.  I have been thinking a lot today about last Christmas and how different things were just a year ago.  Layne was in the middle of his battle with the brain tumor but our house was full of hope and thanksgiving simply because he was still with us, our family was still whole and we were able to celebrate together.

Things are so different this year.  Trust me, the celebrations, the decorations, the shopping, the presents don’t do anything to fill the hole left in your heart when you lose someone you love.  It is hard to find the joy of the season.  But in my moments of intense loneliness and grief I have learned to pour my heart out to the Lord and allow Him to comfort me and help to fill the void in my life.  He is always there for me.  He shows me how to still have joy; not the light hearted, dizzily happy joy of Christmases past but a new kind of joy.  This joy is deep and grounded because it is resting on the promises found in His Word.  This joy is triumphant because it still exists in spite of the intense pain of grief.  This is the joy found, not in the frenzy of the season, but in the One Who came to earth to die on the cross for our sins.  This joy gives hope because the same Savior Who daily lifts me up and comforts me has promised that this life is but a moment and after this there is all eternity.  Layne is not gone, he is in heaven waiting for me.  We still have forever!  What joy that will be, when our family is together again in heaven with our Lord.

Remember this Christmas morning, amid all the excitement and celebration, that the best Christmas gifts God has given you this year are not the ones wrapped up under the tree but the precious family sitting around it.  Most of all remember that the greatest Gift ever given was the Gift that changed the whole world, the Gift of God’s Son; the Savior Who gave His life so that our sins could be forgiven and we can have a home in heaven with Him.  This is the real joy of the season!

“For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”            John 3:16

The Gift of Grace

This Christmas season has been so different for me so far.  Usually I get caught up in all the excitement, Christmas programs, shopping, promises of family gathering etc.  It’s amazing, but this year my whole focus is altered.  I realized through the Thanksgiving holiday that finding joy in this Christmas season will be difficult.  The holidays always magnify the grief because we wish so fervently that we could share the joy of the season with the loved one we lost.  Everything changes.  Family traditions are never the same again because they are centered around family and the center of our family is gone.  It is a difficult situation.  I began to pray and asked several close friends to pray that I will be able to help Jason and Krista still have joy this season.  The Lord is beginning to answer that prayer.  He is helping me focus more intently than ever before on the true meaning of Christmas.

It began right after Thanksgiving when we were listening to a Christmas CD we purchased last year.  (This CD was difficult to listen to also because my mind immediately went to traveling with Layne to Philadelphia and listening to this CD together.  Every small thing brings a memory.  Sweet memories but they make the loss so intense again.)  When we were listening to “Silent Night” this phrase captured my attention, “With the dawn of redeeming grace.”  What an incredible description of the gift that Christ gave us.  His birth was the “dawn of redeeming grace”!  The grace that redeems us, the grace that changes our hearts, the grace that forgives our sin, the grace that forever settles our eternal destiny, the grace that gives us the blessed hope of a home in heaven forever with Him, the grace that makes Him our ever present, compassionate Savior and Friend.  When He was born in that manger in Bethlehem He set in motion the events that had been planned by God to redeem us from the beginning of time.

What a unbelievable gift!  I am daily amazed now by the depth of  His grace.  I understand, better than I ever have before, how dependent I am on His amazing grace.  Several years ago I was reading a book that explained it something like this.  God’s grace is daily given to us.  It is poured out on us but when all is “going right” in our life we often stand erect before God and His grace runs over us like rain on a statue and pools around our feet.  But when He sends trials into our life, when the load is too much for us to bear, when the grief is so great it threatens to overwhelm us; then we fall prostrate at His feet. Then as His grace pours down upon us we find ourselves swimming in a sea of grace.  What a beautiful picture!  That is the gift that He desires to give us all.  The “sea of grace” that surrounds us, drenches our parched souls and bears us up.  This is the grace that I am finding.

What a gift He gave that night in Bethlehem, the “dawn of redeeming grace”.

“And the angel said unto them, Fear not; for behold I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.  For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord.”                            Luke 2:10-11

Thanksgiving

“In every thing give thanks:  for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.”
I know many of you have been wondering how Thanksgiving went for us.  We spent the holiday at my brother Mike’s house.  There was lots of activity, fun and fellowship.  We had a great time but it was still very difficult.  Every evening when the house settled down and everything got quiet I was left with a deep sense of loss and longing for just one more minute with Layne.  I would trade every material blessing I have to have him back again but that isn’t God’s will for me.

Pastor Sasser quoted the verse above in his message last Sunday and the Lord used it to really get hold of my heart.  I thought, “As many times as I have quoted that verse I never understood the challenge of that command until this minute.”  God wants me to give Him thanks in everthing. I found myself wrestling with the Lord about this.  “Lord, you want me to thank you for this? How can I?  This is the hardest thing You have ever asked me to do.  I am struggling Lord.  I am trying to rest in You and trust You, but thank You, Lord.  How can I thank You for taking Layne away?”  This battled raged on and on in my heart.

Then I remembered something Layne said.  He even wrote about it on the blog.  He said that he came to the place that he could thank God for the brain tumor.  He saw that the Lord was using this trial to draw our family closer to each other and to Himself.  He saw that the Lord was changing us and teaching us through it all.  If you go back and read Layne’s entries on this blog you will find a tremendous amount of gratitude and praise for the trial. Amazing isn’t it?  God sends trials to strengthen and shape us, walks with us through the trials to teach us Who He is, sustains us with His grace and gives us faith in the darkest hours when we cannot understand to trust that His way, this difficult path, is what is best.

My way is dark now.  I do not understand.  I struggle every day for strength to continue on.  But Layne taught me something important.  He taught me to run to the Lord, to kneel at His feet, to give my sorrow and fears to Him and trust that His way is best.  I must give thanks in every thing because the last part of that verse promises that “this is the will of God, in Christ Jesus concerning me.” I must learn to rest in His promises.  In the most difficult hours I must look to my Savior and know that He is always the same.  He is near even when He seems to be far away.  He loves me and His love would never allow anything into my life that is not for my good and His glory.  Faith must trust Him even when I do not understand.  Please pray the Lord will give me that kind of faith.

“In everything give thanks…”

Everlasting Arms

I am sorry it has been so long since I have written anything.  The last few weeks have been busy and difficult (I recently lost my grandmother).  I even debated whether or not I should continue the blog because I was not sure whether folks were still reading but the Lord has sent quite a few people lately who have mentioned they were looking for updates and encouraged me to continue.  I am planning, by God’s grace, to try to write at least once a week on Friday night or Saturday.

Jason and Krista and I are doing well under the circumstances.  They are busy with school and I am busy with work.  We are thankful for our evenings together at home where we can encourage one another and comfort each other when we are going through a difficult time.  I am so thankful for my children.  They are a constant source of encouragement and motivation for me.  Family becomes especially dear after you lose someone you love!

I also want to share the things the Lord is teaching me as I journey through this grief.  Grief is such a powerful thing.  Sometimes it so overwhelms me that I lose my focus and my perspective.  The Lord is ever patient though.  He always reaches down, comforts my aching heart, reveals my improper perspective and strengthens my fainting spirit with the truth of His Word. 

When you are experiencing deep grief you are very vulnerable to Satan’s darts of discouragement and fear.  He will plague you with guilt over the smallest things, over any missed opportunity.  He desires trap you with a million second guesses over all the decisions you made before your loved one passed away.  He tempts you to turn inward with your grief and his greatest desire is to cause you to doubt the Lord and His goodness to you.  I know these things because I have been fighting this battle.  It rages daily in my heart.  This is why your prayers are so important.  Not just for me and my family but for anyone you know who is going through a great trial.  I heard someone say that the trial doesn’t make you more spiritual, it is learning to seek God in the trial and allowing Him to use it to change you and conform you into His image.  That is so true but the battle is hard.  The temptations are great and the discouragement is real.  Your prayers are so needed!

But again, my Heavenly Father is so good and patient with me.  I know He is touched with my grief.  I know He is always near, always waiting.  In my most difficult hours He is there.  I cry out to Him and He pours comfort and hope into my soul.  He quiets my sobs and over and over again He reveals Himself to me through His Word as, through my tears, I hungrily search for His promises to me.  I am learning many things at His feet.  Verses jump off the page and He whispers to my heart, “Are you listening, Sharon?  This is Who I am.  You can trust Me.  I love you.  I am near.”  I can then rise up and face another day, another hour, not because I am strong but because He strengthens me. 

Mr. Daniel’s favorite hymn was “Leaning on the Everlasting Arms“.  It has become one of my favorites too.  There is great truth in the words!

What a fellowship, what a joy divine, leaning on the everlasting arms!

What a blessedness what a peace is mine, leaning on the everlasting arms!

What have I to dread?  What have I to fear, leaning on the everylasting arms.

I have blessed peace, with my Lord so near, leaning on the everlasting arms.

Leaning, leaning, safe and secure from all alarms.

Leaning, leaning, leaning in the everlasting arms. 

“The eternal God is thy refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms:…”   Deut. 33:27a

Deep Waters

“Save me, O God; for the waters are come in unto my soul.  I sink in deep mire, where there is no standing:  I am come into deep waters, where the floods overflow me.  I am weary of my crying: my throat is dried:  mine eyes fail while I wait for my God…But as for me, my prayer is unto thee, O Lord, in an acceptable time:  O God, in the multitude of Thy mercy hear me, in the truth of thy salvation.”               Psalm 69:1-3 & 13

Grief is an overpowering thing.  It rises and falls like the waves of the ocean.  Sometimes it swells to amazing power and submerges my heart in sorrow; wave after wave after wave.  I struggle to rise to the surface again, to find hope, to find peace, to find rest.  But, just when I believe that I will drown in its power, the Lord reaches down and lifts me up.  Layne was so right.  The best gift he could have given me last Christmas was my Bible.  I can honestly say that were it not for the comfort of God’s Word I would not have the strength to go on.  If I were not able to pour my heart out to my loving Heavenly Father the loneliness of life without Layne would overwhelm and defeat me.  If I did not have Him I would be lost.  No one else can give the comfort and strength that I need.

I am stunned that I never truly realized before this trial how desperately I need Him.  How foolish I was to ever try to walk in my own strength!  This trial has revealed how weak I am.  I have no strength, no wisdom, no power of my own.  I run to Him and cling to Him and He draws me near.  I am safe, not because I am holding onto Him, but because He is holding on to me.

In the darkest hours, in my deepest grief I search for Him and always find Him near.  What amazing love!  He gives strength for every step I take each day, for every task I am able to do, for every smile I give to my students.  Without Him I would be useless.  Without Him this grief would overflow my soul.  Through this grief I am learning how near He really is; how much strength He has to give and how tenderly He loves me.  In my lonliest hours I turn to Him and find I am never alone.  What a wonderful Savior!

How to Love

Many of you are wondering how my return to teaching went.  It went well.  I was glad to be back in the classroom ministering to and teaching the children.  It has been exhausting but good for me.  Getting busy serving again is a blessing.

The toughest times for Jason and Krista and me are in the evenings.  When everything gets quiet and the flurry of activities calms down for the day, that is when we grieve.  All three of us find ourselves awake in the early morning hours sometimes unable to sleep with grief so heavy on our hearts.  Just last night we ended up staying up until 1:30 a.m. just crying together and talking about Layne.   It is hard on us physically but good for us to spend that time together remembering and grieving together.

Yesterday morning I woke up thinking about Layne.  I got out the letters people had mailed to him just before he passed away, thanking him for the impact he had on their lives.  I read all of them again.  There were two things that every person mentioned that made an impact on them.

The first was Layne’s genuine love and concern for them.  Layne poured his heart into the people he ministered to.  Whether is was a youth group, ball team, church member, unsaved friend etc. he genuinely loved people and it showed.  Many people have said, “I always knew that if I needed him all I had to do was call and he would come.”  He invested his time in people.  He spent hours playing ball with the kids in our former youth group, doing home repairs for people, counseling them on the phone when they were struggling, going out and eating lunch with anyone who needed encouragement.  Every single letter sent to him mentioned time after time when he gave of himself to meet their need.  He had an impact on people because he genuinely loved them.

You can’t fake this kind of love.  It requires commitment and sacrifice.  It requires openness and availability.  So many people, when talking about Layne have said, “He was always the same.”  It didn’t matter if he was at church, in Wal-Mart, at a conference, working in the yard, with a teenager or Dr. Bob Jones, he was always the same; no pretense, no hypocrisy.  He wasn’t perfect and he knew it.  He was never afraid to apologize when he felt he had wronged someone.  His frankness and openness opened many doors of opportunity to him.  He joked with people all over town about his love for the Tarheels and the Steelers.  He would stand for 10 minutes and discuss the latest basketball or football game with someone in the mall who had on a team hat or t-shirt.  Then he would turn the conversation to talking about the Lord and inviting them to church.  It didn’t matter to him if you were the president of a bank or an employee at McDonald’s.  He simply loved people.  He understood Romans 12:3 & 9-11.

“For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith…Let love be without dissimulation (hypocrisy).  Abhor that which is evil, cleave to that which is good.  Be kindly affectionate one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another; Not slothful in business; fervent in spirit; serving the Lord.”

He loved without hypocrisy and that made a difference to people.  The MacArthur study Bible put it this way, “Such love exhibits itself by meeting others at the point of their need.”  That is what Layne did.

The second thing everyone mentioned was his high regard and respect for the Word of God.  He anchored his life on the truths found in the Bible.  He counseled people based on God’s opinion not his own.  He studied and wrestled with every sermon because he understood the responsibility God had given him to ground his preaching on the Scriptures.  He always told me he didn’t feel worthy to be a pastor and he was humbled that God would use what he called his “fumbling efforts” to touch people’s hearts.  The same sincerity and honesty that characterized his daily life was also evident when he preached.  A former student from Wilson Christian who was in his Bible class and many of the young people in our former youth group said he showed them, by his example, that the Word of God was a precious thing.  He was fun loving and joked around all the time about other things but he always approached the Bible with reverence and respect.  He taught them that they could trust God’s Word.  That they could build their lives on the truths found there and have an unshakable foundation.  What a heritage!

He led our family the same way.  We have always had open conversations with Jason and Krista about what they are learning at church, in Bible class at school, at summer camp and in their own scripture reading.  From the time they were small, Layne taught them Biblical principals.  He taught them to weigh what they are told in light of the Scriptures.  He showed them, again by his example, that you have to do more than know the truth of the Bible, you have to live by it.  I am amazed, even now, at the insight they have about so many things.  Even throughout his illness he constantly reminded them that God has a plan, God knows what He is doing, God is always good, God is in control, God will take care of us, God’s will is best…  More than anything he wanted to be sure that this trial drove them to the Lord, not away from Him.  He praised the Lord for every opportunity his illness gave him to witness to someone lost, he freely shared how the Lord was using other Christian people to meet our needs, he was open with them about the times he got discouraged so that he could share with them how the Lord lifted him up.  He constantly assured them that, no matter what the outcome was, he was going to be okay because he had a home in heaven waiting for him.  He taught them that serving the Lord was the greatest privilege there is and the highest calling.  I am so thankful for the husband and father God gave us.  He was so strong in the Lord and his strength strengthened us and helped us grow in faith.  It is that faith that sustains us now that he is gone.

As I sat on the bed yesterday morning after reading all those letters I thought, “That is the goal we all should strive for; to love without hypocrisy and to so esteem the Lord and His Word that other people come to understand that serving Him is the greatest privilege of all.  That is true Christianity.  That is love in action. That is how we can impact the world for Christ.”

Layne’s Influence

Jason delighted my heart tonight.  After another busy day we were preparing to go to bed.  (I was pushing them in that direction any way.)  Jason came into the kitchen and quietly said, “Mom, we should sit down and read together before we go to sleep.”  I replied, “You’re right son, thanks for reminding me!”

He has never been more like his dad than at that moment.  He stepped up and took a role that Layne had always taken.  Not only that, it showed me that he understands the importance of family devotions.  He learned that by Layne’s example.

It has always amazed me how the Lord gives you just the right verses at just the right time when you faithfully have your devotions.  We are reading through Psalms and tonight we read Psalm 31.

“In Thee, O Lord, do I put my trust; let me never be ashamed: deliver me in thy righteousness.  Bow down Thine ear to me; deliver me speedily; be Thou my strong rock, for an house of defence to save me.  For Thou are my Rock and my Fortress; therefore for Thy name’s sake lead me, and guide me…Have mercy upon me, O Lord, for I am in trouble: mine eye is consumed with grief, yea, my soul and my belly.  for my life is spent with grief, and my years with sighing: my strength faileth because of mine iniquity, and my bones are consumed…I am like a broken vessel.”….

That’s exactly how I’ve felt today, like a broken, empty vessel.  My grief has been overwhelming.  I needed the reassuances of verses 1-3.  David explains his own grief and then in verse 23-25 he gives the remedy.

“O love the Lord, all ye His saints: for the Lord preserveth the faithful, and plentifully rewardeth the proud doer.  Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord.”

What a comfort to my heart our devotion time was.  And what a blessing to see the fruit of Layne’s example shine so brightly in our son.  Jason has never been more of a man than at that moment.  The Lord used his quiet reminder to strengthen and encourage my fainting heart.  He is growing into a fine man like his dad.  He is learning to be a leader.  Layne would have been so proud of him.

Missing Layne

Today has been a productive day.  I got much accomplished with bills, medical insurance and some of the other tasks that must be accomplished.  It was profitable, but exhausting.  It required hours on the phone.  I am thankful to have gotten so much done.

These tasks are difficult because I find myself missing Layne so much as I go about handling all the details.   Much of what I am dealing with are things he always handled.  Layne always did such a good job of taking care of our family.  He was very good with our finances and I learned a lot from him I hope.

Tonight we went out with my brother Mike for a while.  It was good to go have some fun but even that had its difficulty.  Layne delighted in taking us all out so we could spend some family time together.  He always made sure that he didn’t allow anything to take precedence over time with us.  He understood that his most important ministry was to us.  I am thankful for that also and, by God’s grace, I intend to keep up his traditional “Family Nights”.  But our “Family Night” has been changed forever because he is no longer with us.  We were all quiet on the way home.  We talked a bit about what Dad would have said and done if he had been with us.  We all miss him so much!

Today, in the middle of my grief the Lord reminded me of a very important promise.

“…for He hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.”      Hebrews 13:5b

It is so hard to face the fact that Layne is gone, but everytime this reality overwhelms me the Lord reminds me that He is near and I am not alone.  I needed the Lord so desperately throughout Layne’s illness.  He gave me strength in all the hard times.  But I need Him even more now.  I am literally clinging to Him.  He is holding me up.  He is carrying me through each day.  He is proving Himself faithful every day, every hour, every minute.  I long to know Him better than I have ever known Him before.  My great need has driven me into His arms and for that I am so thankful.  What a promise!  What a gift!  My God is walking with me!  He is always near.

Prayer Requests

Jason and Krista went back to school today.  It was a good day for them and I am very thankful.  Please keep them in your prayers as they attempt to return to a normal schedule and routine.  They have a lot of work to make up also.  They are doing well under the circumstances.  They miss their Dad tremendously though and we all have our moments of struggle as we grieve his loss.

Please pray for me also.  I have much to get accomplished in the next two weeks before I return to teaching.  As you can see by the time on this post, I am having a very difficult time sleeping.  I have to be completly exhausted it seems before sleep will come.  Please pray that I will learn to quiet myself in the evenings before the Lord so that I can learn to rest again.  Night time is the hardest.  I guess because I spent so many nights recently caring for Layne through the night.  I miss him so very much!

Thank you all for your continued prayers.  We need them!